One early international banking services partnerships was the Order of Knights Templar – the famed military order which inspired so many fanciful stories, including the Da Vinci code. Because of their credit-worthiness, they were able to issue paper. You could have deposits with them (apparently, they did not engage in the derelict system of fractional reserve). You could write a check with them and make international wires. That’s right, folks, they had a pretty good system working back then in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries. They had their act together and grew extremely powerful. So powerful that they loaned heavily to one of the most powerful nations in Christendom: France. But the profligate French King, being an irredeemable spender, needed a new, much larger loan. And they refused to extend credit. What happened next, some say, gave rise to the superstition of Friday 13th, of which we are still wary, 700 years later.
On Friday Octber 13, 1307, Philip the Fair arrested all the Templars he could find, tortured them, had them confess abominable crimes, then burned them alive at the stake. With the tacit approval of the Pope. That’s a Fair treatment.
Last week, I spent many hours on the phone fixing a money transfer with a bank that shall remain unnamed. All the while, images of people engulfed in flames were what kept my frustration at bay. OK, not really. Actually, about 60% of the operators I talked to were trying to be helpful in their narrow range of action. But the customer service (poor choice of words, really) was so inefficiently fragmented that I spent a whole week on the phone, getting nowhere.
It was always Somebody Else’s Problem. Bank transfer? Call this number. Ah, sorry, this is not a SWIFT transaction. ACH transactions, call this other number. Initiated online? Not us, try the online service number. Account in CA? Try this one. Oh, it’s about a transfer! Call the bank transfer number (back to square one!). Try calling the bank on the other side of the transfer. No, sorry, wrong number. Try this other one. Woops, this an ACH number, try this one instead. Nope, sorry, we can’t do anything about this, it has to come from the other bank: ask them to write a letter of indemnity. Oh, we can’t locate your transaction anymore. Perhaps the fraud department could help. Initiated online? You have to visit a local branch. From the local branch, called a bunch of other numbers. Closed today, but we have this number that you can try tomorrow. OK, let’s elevate you. And again. And again, but we refuse to give you the contact number and the case ID has not been assigned yet, just wait for a call. Which never came. Now I’m threatening to sue. That seemed to have fixed it.
Finally! I am back to square one, the money is exactly where it started, after a couple more days of haggling, and less the transaction fee, and twenty days after it departed. But I feel lucky. Sometimes it’s just a matter of setting expectations. But now, burning people after a bit of torture doesn’t seem so objectionable after all…